Mad Gab

I didn’t realize the simplicity behind the construction of a comparison sentence until studying the structure in a foreign language.

[Subject] is more/less [adjective] than [second subject].

Let’s play Mad Gab.

She is more skinny than I.

They are more ugly than me.

Her hair is less gorgeous than my hair.

I am less pale than them.

It’s not quite proper English, so let’s extend ourselves to some more sophisticated grammar.

She looks so much better than I ever will.

Her laugh isn’t annoying like mine.

I’m too tall.

I’m too short.

Why does she get to have perfect boobs?

How the hell do you get an ass like that?

I want to be her.

Comparisons, comparisons, comparisons, and comparisons.

From bodies to personalities to mannerisms, comparing female attributes is like an exchange of apples and oranges.  Every woman is made up of a 1,000 individual characteristics, each one essential to her person.  You can’t go exchanging them without changing her completely.

Next time you go to compare yourself with another woman, think of your clit.  Now there’s a part of you that you wouldn’t want to start comparing, so why go on comparing all the other parts?

Scheduling

Yes, some people take scheduling to the extreme.  Other people despise it.  Some people just use it to lower stress.  Like me.

Most people either need a certain level of productivity to feel satisfied or to make sure they stay above water.  To do Lists.  Post-its.  Planners.  Calendars.  It’s just inefficient to live in an exclusive state of spontaneity. 

Scheduling also gives people something to look forward to.  And makes them better prepared.  It is much harder to get ready when you haven’t planned!  Don’t get me wrong, spontaneity is necessary for everyone.  It keeps life interesting.  But having regularly planned enjoyable activities is necessary as well.  Getting through a rough day instantly becomes easier when you know that you can relax at Zumba later or vent all about it while grabbing tea with a friend. 

So why not schedule time for sex too?

It’s an enjoyable, relaxing activity that’ll brighten any day!  I’m not saying every time should be preplanned, but why shouldn’t it be something that you can look forward to on a regular basis? 

You schedule appointments for your hair, your teeth, and your friends.

Why not schedule in your clit as well?

Basketball Vs. Women

Since it’s the end of all the college basketball madness, I figured we could take a break from super important life (sex) lessons and loosen up a bit.

Plus, if anyone’s going to make a mockery of women, it should be women.

Basketball has a mute button.

You don’t have to take it out to dinner to enjoy it.

It will only stand you up for a Presidential Address.

It doesn’t mind when you yell.

It encourages the consumption of Buffalo Wings.

It’s capable of drowning out women and vacuums.

There’s no bleeding quarter.

           Or cuddling.

No one ever got Chlamydia from Basketball.

Unfortunately,

You can’t fuck it.

So

Victory = Women

The Sexy Pointer Finger

If you’ve learned anything so far, it's that the clitoris can be the sexiest part of a woman.  It’s sexy because of how it can be used, certainly not how it looks.  It’s sexiness comes from utility.  If you generalize this logic, any part of the body can become sexy. 

AND nothing’s more sexy than a woman that knows how to use every part of her body confidently.

Take the Pointer Finger for example.  Currently, I’m only using my right one to type the letters h,y,u,j,n, and m.  I’m hardly using any of its potential!  Picture it tracing lips instead.  Or brushing lightly down the spine.  Then they’re the most obvious uses:  1. Clitoris Stimulator  2. Teeny dildo (3. Optional Anal Surprises). Combined with other fingers, the pointer finger can assist in hair tussling and ass grabbing as well. 

Quickly the pointer finger becomes a chief utility of foreplay.  (It’s even used in the typing of f-o-r-e-p-l-a-y).  The Pointer Finger is sexy.  Any part of the body can be sexy.  It’s just a matter of a little confidence and innovation.  

LoveJunkies

Oh the LoveJunkie.  Jumping from relationship to relationship, spending minimal time alone, prone to cheating, both emotionally and physically.  The LoveJunkie needs to have multiple options open at all times and rarely leaves one partner without securing the next

Sounds like a goddamn fucking bitch.  Or bastard if you prefer.

Until Today, I have not written anything personal.  Let’s change that right now.  I’ve got a confession for you:

I’m a certified, 100%, in the flesh LoveJunkie.

I’ve been in a relationship since the summer before high school.  That would be fuckin adorable, if it was with the same partner.  It’s not.  I like to think I hide it well.  To the outsider, there’s about a month or so between partners.  And after that month, the new “relationship” is never official, which makes them see much more casual to the outsider, sometimes they even come across as plutonic. In reality though, I was already lining up the new partner before I left the current one.  GROSS DISGUSTING SLUT BITCH, etc,  I know I know I know I know.  I told you, I’m a LoveJunkie.

Today, I want to clear up a common misconception.  LoveJunkie’s are often looked up to as the people who are attractive enough to always have a partner.  Sounds conceded, but I’m not sure how else to phrase it.

Here’s the thing: STOP looking up to LoveJunkies.  We have a major flaw that you should never, ever envy: We’re scared to be independent.

The idea of not having a partner, or potential partner, or simply the attention of someone who is interested in me scares the shit out of me. 

Who will go to the movies with me?  Whose my date for this weekend? I have to sleep alone at night? Who’s going to tell me I look pretty?

LoveJunkies are in love with the idea of love.  (definition of love in this case- constant verification that we’re loveable) We don’t particularly care if we’re in love with our partner, but they are the key to our dreams.

LoveJunkies come in lots of forms:

-Girls who’ve had boyfriends since 6^th grade

-Boys who sleep around

-Those who still talk to ex’s

-Some Plutonic Friendships can fill the void

         and of course  

            -Cheaters

I’ve entered the land of rambling, but I mostly just want to get this across:

Single people often stare jealously at couples and don’t realize that the couples often wish that they were strong enough to be independent, single people who can wait patiently for the right person to come along.

Let's say Communication isn't Working

Communication works only when people:

Are not overwhelmed by emotions

Think rationally

Stay focused

Are willing to compromise

Know what they want

Can express themselves clearly

Unfortunately, all of those conditions are rare.

So, let’s say communication isn’t working.

Now, bear with me for a minute:

Relationships are built on companionship, love, and sex.  Different combinations of these three aspects yield specific types of relationships, BUT let’s focus on the most rewarding relationship, the type that involves (or simply has the potential to involve) all three aspects. 

Good companionship, healthy love, and great sex all involve communication.  When conflicts arise, often times the ideal conditions for communication disappear.  Tempers shorten, fights erupt, and the relationship deteriorates.  Ignoring the issues will not help.  (Angry fights may help express feelings and relieve some pent up tension, however, they will not solve anything permanently).  Companionship and love ultimately rely on communication; and instead of becoming frustrated with the situation, giving the issue time and allowing for better communication conditions to return may result in a very simple solution to whatever problem exists.  Now, yes, great sex only results from successful communication, but after being with someone for awhile, good sex can still result from no communication. 

So, conclusion time:

The ideal conditions for communication need time to return.

The relationship is deteriorating in the mean time.

The Sex is still good.

Use the good sex to slow the deteriorating of the relationship while you wait for communication to return.

Your partner may not want to talk about the issue or may not want to talk at all, but if they still pay attention to your clitoris, then at least one aspect of the relationship will be alive and well.  Hopefully the rest will return.  

Bed Time

Cindy’s having trouble falling asleep.  She’s a champion at sleeping for twelve hours, but the act of falling asleep often challenges her.

Cindy isn’t alone;

Everyone has at least a few occasional sleepless nights.

Some people are worried about:

     Money

     Work

     Exams

     Family, Friends

     Back Pain

     Packing

     Cleaning

     The Dating Scene

     The Weather

     Losing Sleep

Other people (i.e. my mother) just blame the full moon.

Fact is: The mind is refusing to disengage.

You can try distracting it by counting sheep or envisioning blank space

(or hitting the meds).

But why not try the clitoral solution?

It’s more natural and pleasant, even on the off-chance it fails.

An orgasm focuses your mind on the sensations radiating thru your body instead of the worries of the world.  The chemicals released into your mind force it to stop fretting, and to put it scientifically, MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD.  The relaxation of the mind combined with the release of tension in the body makes for the perfect bed time story.

Her Tits are Bigger than Yours

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard,

And they’re like

It’s better than yours.

Damn right.

It’s better than yours.

I could teach you,

But I have to charge.

      -Kelis

Some tits are just bigger than others. 

What Kelis forgot to teach us is that all clitorises are the same.

This is meant in the most general sense.  They aren’t really comparable after all.  They exist.  You rub them.  It feels nice. 

People talk.

     “Her Tits are Huge.” 

     “They were tiny, but perky as hell.”

     “She could stand to lose a few pounds.”

     “Her skin is like flawless glass.”

     “Her eyes are too close together.”

     “Loose like a slut.”

     “Her hair looks like shit.”

     “Hooker make-up much?”

     “Her pussy was as tight as a virgin.”

     “Booty like you’ve never seen.”

What you don’t here them say though:

     “My girlfriend has the perfect clit.”

     “That clit wasn’t worth it.”

     “Her clit was the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.”

Weird huh?

It would be a waste of time to argue that every woman is equally as beautiful because your body is constantly judged whether you like it or not.

Some woman have perfect tits, gorgeous skin, a-cups, little waists, sexy curves, a few extra pounds, thin hair, big feet, little lips, huge noses, long legs, and freckles. 

But every woman has a clit.

It’s a little tiny piece of magic that often gets overlooked.

The clitoris clearly doesn’t seem to be the sexiest part of a woman, but that’s a simple misconception.  A woman’s confidence lives there. Confidence can be more beautiful that any physical feature.  Confidence comes from accepting and knowing yourself, on the most intimate levels.  

Distractions Lead to Disasters

Clitoral Distractions:

Tits

Tongues

Nipples

Sex

Blow Jobs

Penetrations

Penises

Alcohol

Unwelcome Body Hair (and Odors)

Distracted Drivers reek havoc on the road.

Distracted Students fail exams.

Distracted Factory Workers lose limbs.

Distracted Tourists get pick-pocketed.

Distracted New Yorkers get hit by cars.

Distracted Pasta Eaters stain shirts.

Distractions Lead to Disasters.

Clitoral Distractions lead to orgasm-less sex.

Speak Up in Bed.

Mind reading hasn’t been FDA approved yet. 

Dyck & Clit

 Six Super Reasons to Masturbate Today:

1. Chances are you haven’t had a good orgasm in a while.

2. You’ve got nothing better to do with the next fifteen minutes.

3. You skipped dessert, so take a physical reward instead;

You ate dessert and could use a little exercise.

4. Your boyfriend did.

5. It’s Sir Anthony Van Dyck’s birthday. 

6. Today was probably average.  You deserve better.

Every orgasm is different. 

Every day is different.

Every day would be better with an orgasm. 

That means you, Cindy.

How your Personality is like your Clitoris

YOU CAN:

     Dye your hair

     Move across the world

     Pierce your nose

     Get a fake tan

                Or fake an accent.

YOU CAN’T:

     Change who you are.

YOU CAN:

     Loosen your vagina thru lots of sex

      Tighten up your vagina thru Kegels

      Fake moisture with lube

       Or substitute your vagina with your ass.

YOU CAN’T:

     Change your clitoris.

     During sex, the clitoris can be ignored,

     BUT it’s not making love until

     your partner begs you to ride’em with your essence 

     and takes pride in your clitoris. 

Fallen in the Shadow of A Spotlight

 “Sex: The Play”   CAST PAGE

The western hero: The Vagina

The sexy partner: The Cock

The salon waitresses: The Boobs

The big-gunned back up: The Mouth

The guns themselves: Sex-toys

The understudy: The Clitoris

The spotlight of sex always illuminates the vagina, and so anatomically, the spotlight’s shadow shrouds the clitoris.  This doesn’t mean that the spotlight should be redirected.  Oh no.  Women just need a bigger spotlight, for its them, not men that sparked the need of a word for sexy. 

Sexy: sexually attractive or exciting

HANG ON THERE EVERYONE,

ISN’T THAT SUPPOSED TO READ SEXY = BARBIE ?!?

Yea, I will admit that Barbie is pretty fucking sexy,

BUT you know what else is sexy?

Messy Hair

Curves like the Appalachian Mountains

Gap Teeth

Pale Skin

Cute Toes

Giggles

Clitorises (or Clitorides if you prefer)

and so in conclusion:

Dear Vaginas,

Stop hogging all the spotlight.

Sincerely,

Women

The Origins of Clitoral Troubleshooting: Men won’t ask for directions.

The man and woman drive to Timbuktu. 

Correction: The man drives to Timbuktu, while the woman reads a map. 

The couple gets lost on the way to Timbuktu.

Correction:  The man listens to his intuition instead of the woman. 

The couple finally arrives in Timbuktu.

Correction:  The woman threatens celibacy, therefore taking over the drivers seat and successfully navigates the African country side. 

The Clitoris is the Timbuktu of the woman body. 

Take Cindy for example.  She lost the map to her clitoris.  Now she wanders around like an Asian tourist in Salem, Massachusetts, a hopeless victim of genital hysteria.  The Holy Grail has fallen out of her sights; Atlantis sinks further into the sea. 

In her despair, Cindy has forgotten the key difference between men and woman: Pride.  A man will not read a map (although for some reason using a GPS is acceptable), but more importantly, he won’t ask for directions.  A woman on the other hand, focuses on the success of the ends, rather than the means.  Not only is map reading a viable action, but asking directions is the perfect back-up plan.  Now for Cindy, a map is not the only resource for directions, books stores have whole sections on this shit.

In the event of a tornado, fire, or radioactive decay destroying the book stores (and also the internet and the advice of all other woman in the world), the man’s approach may be attempted.  Just shove a hand down there and act like the Energizer Bunny living in a cheap vibrator.

But remember, any true clitoral troubleshooting involves reading the map of bodily pleasure, even if a few extra directions help reveal the way.